I haven't been able to write for a little while. At first I was too burned out, then too tired, and now just too... I don't know. Where are the words? I've been seeing in pictures. Some of them I will try to create and post here, to show what I can't say, but some... well I can't get to them all, and some just aren't for showing. Just like some jokes aren't worth telling, but they unfold anyway, amazing me with the outrageous nature of life's sense of humor.
I think there was a time when I would have journaled about how I feel right now in the wake of a tragedy so profound I can't talk about it. And there was certainly a time when I would have written a poem, maybe even a good one, to crystalize that picture of it in my mind. But these days my hands hurt when I hold a pen for too long, and sometime over the past few years I have started to act as if there are some pictures that shouldn't go down on paper. Some ideas that are just too painful to extract, with the perfect placement of words into verse, from myself and lay out.
I was looking at a photo of my best friends in the world, and myself, when we were young. 14 going on 15. At first I was sad to see all our fresh, red-from-laughter faces, so 'full of youth' and what not. Then angry to realize how much bullshit we've all been through since then. All of us. No matter how much we love each other, through the years, we've all been witness to or involved in truly terrible ordeals of many sorts, from the destruction of families to violation to heartbreak to... well... life. And looking at that picture broke my heart as I remembered how innocent we all were and how all that really honestly mattered to us was each other. Each other, and the vast lives we had ahead of us. But those lives have been... well... real. Too real.
And then, as I looked at it and wondered if I should cry, I realized that even then, eleven years ago when we were just kids, when that photo was taken, some of us had already been through hell. Lots of it. Life at the hands of adults.
I guess I should have been cheered by the fact that even though we'd already been dragged through pain and hearbreak and tragedy, we were all still smiling and we were all ok then. But all I could think of were the circles beneath my eyes these days, the weariness of our journeys back and forth to see each other set against the resilience of youth. Will we be ok again? Will our smiles spring back like they once did? Can our moods improve even as life continues to throw tears into our paths? Can we get back to the same paths we started out on? Should we?
This is very personal, and I'm sorry to anyone who doesn't understand it, but the only thing that could make me laugh today as I wonder what the future holds is this one joke that I think should not have been told. And yet, life cracks itself up: a friend from Illinois who I know through my old friend Bryan had a baby last night. And you know what she named him? Seth.
Le Gross National Happiness
16 years ago
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I understand you, babe. You've been braver than I am though. I keep all my pictures on an external hard drive, and even though I've carried it with me all week, I haven't been able to plug it in.
ReplyDeleteI think my reaction to the pictures of our youth is different. All the shit that's gone down in the last 10-12 yrs would have happened anyway, or at least something comparable. That's the way the universe works. It's because of the times in those pictures that we've turned out to be some of the strongest, most independent and well-balanced women I know. Looking at pictures when times were good, or at least better, doesn't make me angry. It reminds me of how very grateful I am to have all of you.
In the eight years since we left high school, I've met hundreds of people and there are three, maybe four, that inspire anything close to what I feel for you guys.
I think I keep my sanity because, I really believe, that the folks in that picture are still the thing that matters the most to me.
Thanks, my darling. I didn't read this until just now, the Wednesday after I wrote it, but it does help. Having seen you all and just sat in a room with you, I'm still sad that we've gone through bad things, but I'm so happy to have you guys. *snuggle*
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