It Had to Happen: or, I hate Tourists

Ok, I'm sure this is trite in the way that, say, people in LA bitching about constant sun is trite. ...Do they do that?... Well anyway, the point is: I just HAVE to complain about the tourists. Ok? I just do. I have to vent.

I work in midtown, on 57th between 5th and 6th avenues, on the same block as Bergdorf Goodman, which I usually enjoy because everyone around is super classy and the window displays at Bergdorf's are beautiful, and it's near the park, and FAO Schwarz is just a block away, and generally it's pretty sweet. There are always a fairly high percentage of tourists tooling around 5th Avenue, but generally they stay in small clusters that are navigable, except around Rockefeller Center, which I only have to deal with once a week or so. They're annoying, but they're dealable.

But THIS time of year... I mean, I know the Christmas store displays are fantastic (Bergdorf's are off the hook this year--the men's side of the street has set pieces and models from The Fantastic Mr. Fox, and the women's side has an Alice in Wonderland theme), and I know that FAO is a great place to shop for kids, and I know that lots of people have time off around now so they're just roaming around, looking at things, and I know that the giant Swarovski crystal snowflake is hanging RIGHT over my intersection at 5th, and I KNOW it's so exciting to be in New York... But...

Ever hear that phrase, "When in Rome..."? Well, in New York, the Romans are busy people dressed in black who have places to be at specific times and they are usually late to begin with because the holiday traffic and backups on public transportation are horrendous, so when in this Rome, do as the goddamn Romans do, and MOVE YOUR ASS. Holy crap! How is it difficult to figure out that when the thousands of people around you on the sidewalk are grumbling, swearing, and moving past you at high speeds, that YOU are in fact the problem? When you stop in the middle of a busy thoroughfare to stare up at the sky or try to find the kid you are for some reason allowing to walk unaided through a crowd of pickpockets, swindlers, hobos, and businessmen who don't give a crap if they step on a toddler, and everyone around you has to stop in the middle of their commute to avoid running into you, and they call you names, why would you look surprised? New York does not slow down for Christmas--it allows you to look at all its pretty stuff and enjoy an entirely made up feeling of brotherly love if you want to, but you need to do it quickly, or find a place that's not the middle of the goddamn sidewalk in front of Tiffany's to take your leisurely stroll, or you are going to make a lot of enemies and probably get accosted by every single homeless-people-donation-collection racket in the biz at least five times.

I swear to god, people, I don't like to be so mean to tourists. They ARE easy targets, but then again, there's a good portion of the city what wouldn't run at all if it weren't for them, and there is something to be said for the feeling of superiority one gets when realizing that thousands, millions of people flock to YOUR city just to see the sites every year. But for Christ's sake, you're TOURISTS. You don't live here. You do not own the sidewalk. You are in the way. At least TRY to fit in, or if not that, to not get in the way any more than possible. We who live here have to deal with all kinds of bullshit from our fellow New Yorkers every day, and we are grumpy enough without running full-on into the back of your light blue NorthFace parka when you slow down to take a picture of, like, a pigeon or something, because we glanced down to check how late we were to work after the train spent ten minutes sitting in the tunnels while we were smooshed in between the smelly guy and the gum-chewing woman with the really bad music blaring from her iPod and didn't see your ignobly wide ass coming to an abrupt halt in front of us. When you get called a prick by a little redheaded girl who just face-planted into your stupid, stupid parka, don't you DARE say, "people here are so rude."