Deeeeeep breaths

The past two and a half months have been mountainous, ups and downs, crevices and chasms, my brain and heart and desires have been opening up and vehemently snapping shut, flying and falling in quick succession. I haven't been able to make sense of any of it.

I'm trying to find a space in my head where I can calm down and consider everything that's happened. There has been pain--so much pain that I haven't figured out what to do with it. I haven't had time to DO anything with it, and the time I have had, I've been so exhausted that I haven't even tried. There's been elation and possibility and hands stretched out to help me up, but the pain bites at my heels so steadily that the elation quickly transforms itself into fear--the synapses get confused and the signals get crossed until all I can feel is stress bearing down. I think I need to clear out some space for myself, just a big expanse in my head, or on the floor at home, to spread it all out like so many magazines and slowly, carefully, quietly, organize and redistribute my impulses until there is a structure to the madness around me. Or at least some kind of integration of it into my self, not my heart or my head alone. I need silence, candle light, solitude.

I don't know how to get that.