The underutilization of English majors: or, how I plan to make a living...

Well. I have not been posting much lately, and I do apologize. I've been going through an intense period of thinking about my writing as per its career aspects, and where I'd like to consciously take it from here. It's been quite overwhelming and stressful, and I've been pretty busy to boot.
But I think something is afoot. Last week I purchased a new computer, which will arrive in a day or two and hopefully make my life as a would-be writer easier (the one I have now will no longer work unless hooked up in just-such-a-way to one single socket in my apartment and no other, nor will it connect to the internet, no matter what type of connection I try to establish; its Graphics driver has stopped working, and I think it basically just wants to die, so I'm letting it), I'm embarking on several new projects (co-producing, casting, story editing, and generally helping a friend with his awesome webisode, taking night classes in Illustration and publishing starting in a few weeks, and working with a musician on an album), and... oh my god, you guys... I just accepted a year-long, once-a-month column at McSweeney's Internet Tendency!!! AAAAHHHH!! I'm a writer!! Holy crap!!!

!!!!Exclamation points!!!!


...ok. Now that that's over with. There's a reason I'm exposing you all to my own self-congratulatory festival. Namely that, with all these projects and classes going on, I'm looking at my schedule and thinking: "This is nuts. How am I ever going to make time for all this without going crazy?" And, of course, since I'm at work, my brain is giving me sneaky answers like: "You're probably going to have to quit your full-time gig at the gallery." Which, my other, less sneaky, brain answers with: "That's ludicrous. How could we ever pay our bills?"

To which my third, more rational yet also creative and fun brain, answers: "Work the English major angle."

Ok, I know some of you are probably snorting with laughter at that. "What English major angle?" you're giggling. "That's no angle at all!"

And it would seem you'd be right.

But think about this. When's the last time you walked down the street, drove down the road, or even sat down at a restaurant without seeing a grievous error in spelling, grammar, or punctuation? I might see these errors more often than others because I live in a predominantly Spanish-speaking neighborhood, but I'm sure many of you share my annoyance when you're handed a menu at a decent dining establishment and find an option like "Chicken Brest" or "Sasoned Rice." It's infuriating to me because I'm trained to notice things like that, and I would imagine it's mildly annoying to other people; but more importantly, it hurts a business when the people who write the signage and menus are made to look like fools to their clientele, or to anyone else who can read. Websites are even worse; I don't really even want to talk about the horrific crimes committed against the English language on the Web. But, suffice it to say...

That's where I think English majors should come in. Like many other people these days, English majors are hurting for cash and jobs, but unlike many other demographics, for English majors this is almost always the case. We're the slightly more academic Art Historians of the modern world; we have lots of practical knowledge but rarely find good ways in which to use it. Why not mobilize against the forces of stupidity? Why not take arms against a sea of idiocy, and by opposing, end it?

I think, if in my frantic writing/singing/running about this fall, I should lose my full-time job, I would march directly from the gallery over to Staples and have 250 business cards with my name and number and the words "English Major for Hire. Will proofread, edit, and correct any and all signage, menus, and online text."

I'd then go around to every business I could find and drop off my card. Simple. You pay me a very small amount, I fix your language problems. My fees would be modest. $5 for all your signs. $10 for signs and over-the-counter menus. $20 for paper menus. Maybe $.05 a word or something websites, maybe less (haven't done the math to see if that makes sense). It would benefit everyone: the business and its employees would look smarter, which would draw more clients, and the general public would be exposed to less bad English, thereby reinforcing good English.

Soon enough, we'd have a movement. English majors being paid for what they're good at anyway, making some money to pay the bills, and feeling good about their decision in college. More people knowing how to spell and use punctuation. It'd be a happier, better world.

Now, I know I'm too busy right now to start this revolution, but who knows what might happen in the next few months? If I do get kicked out of this high-falutin' gallery anytime soon, I'll start it myself. And if not: English majors, I urge you to unite! Help your less-educated neighbors learn how to spell! Become a positive force in your society! I emplore you! Please, for the sake of the Chicken Brest with Sasoned Rice.

Leave the Freaks Alone: or, ridiculous political correctness overkill

I'm not sure how NBC New York decided that this was a story worth reporting on, but check out the one about the "5-Legged Puppy Rescued from Coney Island Freak Show."

Looks like a puppy mill operator decided to sell his five-legged chihuaha-terrier mix, Precious. Some "kind Southerner" outbid the Coney Island freak show operator and is being lauded as a hero for saving the admittedly adorable puppy from a life of freakdom.

It seems the fifth leg hasn't hindered Precious from many of life's joys, but since it hangs between her back legs and trips her, it has made walking difficult. According to the breeder, the dog "wasn't a freak, she was just ... born with five legs." Nevertheless, he was set to sell her to a freak show until Allyson Siegel from North Carolina outbid the Coney Island operator and basically stole the puppy out from under him. And, just to be sure she won't end up as a freak in any way, she's renamed her Lilly and is going to have her fifth leg removed in two weeks.

Now, call me crazy, but it seems to me this Siegel character is a little overly concerned about the 'freak' label. I mean, sure, I can't imagine the freak show on Coney Island is a fabulous home for 'different' animals (I've never been), and as humans we shy away from the idea of being seen as different or freakish, and all that. But who's to say the dog isn't totally fine with being a freak? Who's to say that Siegel should have its extra leg removed? Can't the dog be different from other dogs, or will that make it less valued as a pet? Or is she just projecting her own insecurities and issues onto Precious/Lilly?

Maybe this "kind Southerner" is one of those people who was a hopeless dork in high school. A social outcast with glasses and headgear who got called names and made fun of mercilessly by the other "normal" kids at the "education mill." Growing up she felt like a freak for not making the cheerleading squad or getting many dates. But as soon as she graduated with a degree in business and got a good job at some nice company, she went and had herself surgically and chemically altered so that now she's tall, blonde, and sporting DD cups. And now she goes to high school reunions with incredibly handsome men, her giant boobs hanging out of her taylored dress, to show those bitches from school who the real losers are. And she's a total douche.

And now she's forcng her brand of 'normal' down the throat of this poor, helpless, mostly functional and totally adorable puppy?? That ain't right. I say let the dog go to the freak show and learn to be ok with its extra leg, then make the decision for itself. Don't take your securities for you!

Running on fumes...

Not a lot to report on here at Chez Lynsey. I haven't found any media stories that are a) funny and quirky and interesting, or b) not way too complicated to talk about. I'd love to go into this whole CIA-has-been-lying-what-a-big-f-ing-surprise-that-is thing, but it's just so convoluted and ridiculous, and frankly, my brain has been trying to take the day off ever since I woke up, so I think I'll at least let it idle, if not turn itself off completely.

I wanted to write about this story about a Brooklyn daycare that turned out to be a front for a giant drug dealing operation (by giant I mean ten POUNDS of marijuana and around $100K in cash in the basement) but most of my talking points kept getting shut down by my brain as I thought more about it. Like, at first I was incensed by people's admonitions that having all those drugs around kids was despicable, because, I mean, c'mon it's WEED. Like, I guess I could see there being a problem if the people in charge of the kids got too excited about the book they were reading, "Mr. Bigglseworth Bakes a Pie," and then went to heat up a pre-made pie in the oven and, being high, obviously, left it in too long and caught the place on fire, but really it's pretty harmless with children.
But then I realized that the reason the operation got busted in the first place was because a gunfight had broken out there a day before, when some robbers went in to try to get the cash. So, yeah, having drugs = having cash = having people trying to rob you = having guns around kids. So, not so great. Not much of a soapbox to stand on there, Lyns.

Ummm, so there's that.

Wow, what a blog fail. Oh well.

But I DID see a guy on the subway yesterday who had his cheekbone pierced. Or something. It was wild. He had a metal stud in his cheek, right over his cheekbone. I don't know if it was like pierced into the bone, or just through the skin, or what, but it was crazy.

Oh and also, I discovered an interesting tidbit of information you might enjoy: George Clooney used to have a 300 lb pot bellied pig named Max (I've seen those giant Vietnamese pigs before - they're the ugliest sons of bitches on the planet) that shared his bed with him in the early nineties after his breakup with Kelly Preston. Turns out, Max, like other, more agile animals, could feel earthquakes coming, and woke George up early one morning in a frenzy, getting him to leave the house before an earthquake hit and ostensibly saving his life. Pretty cool, huh?

Great day, and Obama Info

I'll post twice today. Because today is just that awesome. And although I'm trying not to make this a blog about personal experiences so much as a sounding board for my fantastic brain, today has just been so good that I want to share it with everyone who reads this. ...whoever that may be.

1) Firstly, this morning on my way to work I managed to get on a 5 train that came: 1) as soon as I got into the station, and 2) was not excessively crowded. It was a miracle.

2) Then, when I got off that train, I walked across 58th Street toward my office. Between Madison and 5th I noticed some people uncoiling some wires and setting up lights on the sidewalk, so I knew something was being filmed. Then I saw an old-fashioned yellow cab that was obviously part of a set. Then I saw a trailor that was lit up on the inside, and a girl I didn't recognize sitting at the window looking out.

3) And then... I think I saw... NPH!!! No shit! I think I saw Neil Patrick Harris inside signing something. I'm not 100% sure it was him, because I really only saw the top part of his face, but that forehead is rather distinct. I didn't want to stand around gawking because I had to get to work and I didn't want to get kicked off the set or anything, but... yeah I think it was him. If anyone knows about him being in NYC for any reason, let me know, cause I don't want to go hang around for no reason. But if it's him... well... a picture MUST happen.

4) I just got a raise! I don't know how much it will be for just yet, because in the gallery we just go ask the Big Scary French Boss for a raise, and he just says yes or no. And then he goes and "discusses" it with the administrator, which is probably a conversation that goes: "Give ze young lady at ze recepsion desk a raise-uh, 'Elmreech." "Ok, Pierre." So I'll find out on my next few paychecks what kind of raise we're talking about. But no matter what, more money = good. And when I asked, he said, "Of course-uh, I weel gif you a raise wis pleazure. I weel talk to Mr. 'Elmreech." And he SMILED. A very good sign.

5) Because it's Veteran's Day there is a street fair right outside on 56th street, so I just got to go out for lunch and have corn on the cob, a crepe, and bubble tea for lunch! Of course this cost way more than it should have and now my hands are frozen from trying to eat a crepe outside in 45 degree weather, but it sure was more fun to watch a Veteran's Day parade during my lunch hour instead of grumbling about tourists in the park.

More story tomorrow...

Yes, we can. Yes, we can. Yes...

Ok, folks, I am terrified of this election. I've been trying to avoid the news media all day out of fear, but the bits and pieces that keep coming through on my radar seem to be promising. Obama seems to be doing fine. And yet, I am still a ball of nerves. I woke up this morning knowing that I'd been dreaming about Obama losing and America giving up and losing all hope for a better future.
And then I woke up the whole way and realized that I'd been dreaming. But the fear still won't go away. All my friends who know anything about economics keep telling me that the past few months have been nothing compared to what's going to happen over the next few years. And the thought of being under the supposed guidance of one more war-loving, hysterical, fear-mongering Republican who uses the world "nucular" during a time when we desperately need level-headed leadership sends me into a panic.
This makes me sad. Because in years past, I remember praising John McCain and saying that if he ever managed to get the Republican nomination, I would be happy to see him voted in as President. Back before he started towing the oil-slurping Good Old Boy party line. Back when he actually was, in some small way, a maverick. He once stood up to the GOP for their ridiculous right-winged-ness, making himself a regular guest on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart to ridicule President Bush. And when McCain gave his acceptance speech at the RNC, I remember having a vaguely warm and fuzzy feeling and saying aloud, "For the first time in my adult life, I'm not scared of the Republican winning." Seriously. The man has been around, he knows how the government (and foreign governments! shock!) work, and he seems like a generally ok guy. I wouldn't have been too sad if that McCain, the McCain who spoke out against an all-inclusive abortion ban, or the McCain who publicly criticized most Bush administration policies, had won. I'd have been disappointed, but not heartbroken. Because I kind of trusted that guy. But over the past six months, he's proven just how much of a yes-man he can be. He'll say yes to anything that will get him a vote. And then, within a week of winning my heart just a little bit, he decided to run for President with a Vice Presidential nominee who could almost be mistaken for Rush Limbaugh except that her breasts are a little smaller.
And now I'm absolutely terrified. If he were to win (to those of you who may be saying "Of course he won't win, how could America possibly be so stupid?" I reply: Bush has been in office for eight years. I was relieved in 2004 when I was certain he'd be ousted because, really, how could America possibly be that stupid? Well...) today, I would start making plans to move to Europe immediately. The man has been through a lot in his time, and I believe him to be the survivor he says he is. He's lived through multiple plane crashes (of his own doing, mostly), torture in a POW camp in Hanoi, and several bouts with melanoma. But even a cat only gets nine lives, and after a certain number of miraculous escapes one begins to wonder about deals with the devil. And all that aside, after all he's been through, the man is 72 and not in the best of shape. If he were to pass... we'd be... left in the clutches... of... Sarah Palin.
There are so many arguments against her that I won't even begin to list them. But let me put one plain and simple fact before you: her children's names are Bristol, Piper, Track, Willow, and Trig.
This is not a person we can trust with our nation. I do not want her anywhere near anything that sports a big red button. Ever.

And so, dear friends, I am absolutely terrified to read the news. Bush has been able to win two elections (one somewhat illegally, but still), despite my desperate desire to believe in the brains and hearts of the American people. After the last two elections I have completely lost any belief I had in them, and so I will quiver in fear until this day, and the Election Aftermath, which seems to have become an integral part of the process, are over.

But in parting, let me quote this bit of wisdom from Margaret and Helen, whose blog I've just been turned on to and whom I love as dearly as my own grandmother:

"when was the last time a politician brought a tear to your eye… moved you deep in your soul? Honestly when was the last time you really felt that Americans could do anything if we put our hearts and minds to it? I am an old lady. Most of my life politicians have moved me. Most of my life I have felt that Americans can do anything if we put our hearts and minds to it. It’s been 8 long years. I had almost forgotten what that felt like. Thank you Barack Obama. Thank you."

Economic cut and paste

Economic and political advice/analysis/predictions from my very good friend Jarrod. Don't get annoyed with him; he knows what he's talking about and is highly educated on economic theory, and is almost always right with his predictions at an intuitive level anyway. So just bear with him and believe him, and prepare:



Election 2008 is causing a much bigger societal rift than expected, but that generally happens preceding times of extreme volatility, deflationary economic conditions, and upcoming/ongoing periods of warfare.Time is not chronological in the sense we think of it as today, but rather it is cyclical. This is especially true in massive national, and especially global, economic cycles. We are entering a period known as deflation, and it has been seriously on since at least 2000. The second "Bull" market from early 2000's until now has failed to truly break any high ground set back then, and the iceberg tip has surfaced to be followed by much more severe economic pain and after a counter-trend rally, a much further decline in stocks.The choice of President has nothing to do with this. Money is too liquid, too massive, for any government to ever successfully control it. Don't believe me? Name one global market that is currently stable and rising at larger degree. Despite the choice of government, regulatory policies, or levels of taxation (all of which vary greatly from nation to nation) the entire global economy is contracting. Now tell me that the choice of our next President will solve this crisis. (Speaking of money, the U.S Dollar is essentially illegal anyway because it has been, since Roosevelt, a revolving door of taxes and printing new notes to kind of spiral us upwards into a monetary structure with no real base. The "gold standard" is also a myth, especially in modern times, and besides gold is just "money" because we say it is... the same way we say a dollar bill is a dollar.)Deflation hurts, and lasts a long time (like every economic cycle... I'm calling around 2018 for this one.) It starts with a primary recession (early 2000's) and then balloons up well past that into new mania, and then crashes into a secondary recession generally larger and more painful than the first, and global in nature (current.) Interest rates plummet, rise again, and once again plummet as credit freezes (sound familiar?) It is a period in which prices fall across the board. We know this because the "flight to safety" as the market crashed failed: gold is also down a significant amount (56%.) Gold will come down to around $600 an ounce and then we will look to seriously consider buying in at this level. Oil has also fallen as we've predicted, despite fears of its inevitable rise into the stratosphere (down 54%.) Our current target is $39 - $49 a barrel, and then it will stage a significant rally. The dollar will pull back hard and then push new highs, but this will only hurt our ability to export thus pushing us into a deeper contraction. Other commodities are also down - silver, corn, copper, soybeans, etc. The Baltic Dry Index, tracking shipping demand and such, is down 92% in five months. Unprecedented in the history of modern globalization.Stock markets during these times do whatever the Hell they want. Generally they crash hard, followed by the biggest rallies ever recorded (which only occur in the depths of Bear markets), and then crash again. Rallies in these conditions are only occurring because economic news is "not as bad as expected." A negative GDP is ALWAYS a bad thing, yet it wasn't "as negative" as analysts predicted, so the market surged this past week. However, net and net after a deflationary cycle the market loses money. Buy-and-hold is a myth. 401(k)'s are not wise decisions. Sell into rallies, and hold short ETFs for near-term swings. Cash is king. Treasury bills bought and held from 2001 until now would have made a combined 36%, whereas investing in the S&P 500 would have lost you just about 30%.Social mood undergoes radical change during these periods. Oftentimes deflation is accompanied by massive warfare and bloodshed - the only two modern examples of this are WWII and the Civil War. The Panic of 1819, etc. is also comparable, but too non-studied in this country for anyone to know what I'm talking about. Essentially heavy borrowing to finance the War of 1812 led to the inevitable collapse of the banking system- widespread foreclosures, bank failures, unemployment rates sky-rocketed, prices dropped, and agriculture and manufacturing plummeted. Immediately following 1816 and leading into 1819 (the panic officially ended in 1823), American bankers created banknotes and other such products to sell here and globally that inevitably led to the collapse and failure of those markets as well. This is sounding awfully familiar. People proposed many fixes- increasing tariffs, decreasing tariffs, direct debt relief, restricting bank credit, increasing infrastructure and public works, stricter regulations, etc. The governent initiated programs for immediate debtor relief and calls for financial reform, and it is generally considered that this only prolonged the pain, and the long-term result was the future Panics of 1837 and 1857. Incidentally, no matter which candidate you vote for this problem is already inherent in the system, and there is nothing they can do about it that will reverse this course. Again, whoever wins this election will not make a decisive difference. But you can go ahead and believe otherwise, and if the candidate you support loses you can blame whoever wins for four or eight years if it makes you feel better.http://www.mises.org/rothbard/panic1819.pdfAnd during all of what is occurring now people bicker about social issues that blind them to the greater picture: a financial and economic global disaster that will soon make any "moral" issue pale in comparison. All in all whoever wins this election will likely leave office after one term, and do so as the most hated President in modern U.S. history. Looking back over decades of economic and market data shows that the MARKETS precede politics, not the other way around. If you look at candidate popularity over the last few months the rallies gave McCain a more equal edge, and the crashes gave Obama significant leads. Now the market is "stabilizing" (it is not) in the public's eye and McCain is gaining a few points here and there. The candidates will not affect the market. The candidates will not make the United States more capitalistic or more socialist.FDR is a prime example. Took over where Hoover left off post-Depression era and using a "braintrust" of economic advisors instituted the New Deal, which a lot of Republicans and Americans alike feared was Socialism in Disguise. The New Deal did two critical things: it prevented the United States from turning into a socialist country by instituting REGULATORY AGENCIES rather than GOVERNMENT-RUN agencies, and it softened the blow of serious recessionary conditions. But in the long run it did not matter much and we still plunged into a major international conflict, during which all "normal" economics fails to matter.I digress. The single best predictor of an election outcome is the Dow Jones Industrial Average, and it is also the single best predictor of a President's popularity. Now remember that money is too vast, too liquid, and too emotional when tied to the market for any President to ever have a handle on it. Social mood en masse dictates the markets' actions, not a President. Whoever is elected will do so in the toughest economy our country has yet faced, and it will only get worse. He will leave office one of the most hated Presidents in our country's history, and that will only be inflated due to this "Culture War" that is being stirred up into a frenzy by both sides.My main point for saying all of this is exactly that. The Culture War is upon us, and is only being hastened by the likes of Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Olbermann, and the list goes on and on. There is money to be made spinning nothing but the purest shit, regurgitated in nice sound bites that rile up your base and anger the other side.We are staring into an economic abyss the scope of which we have never seen and we're bitching about who might be a Muslim, or who might be a terrorist, who's the biggest patriot?This country is being torn apart by two conflicting viewpoints that have been home-spun by pundits and media outlets on both sides. Buzz words are tossed like chum to frenzied sharks for mass consumption and to fuel the hatred and enhance the rift: Terrorist. Muslim. Nazi. Racist. Religious Nutjob. Too Old. Socialist. Anti-Gun. Pro-Gun. Homophobic. Anti-Semite. Anti-American.Ludicrous.I can't wait for Tuesday night just because I can't wait to stop hearing all the bullshit, but I know that this is not going to happen. Whoever wins, the other side will bitch and gripe about it for four more years. We're in for a long, long time of "I told you so's." And all of it is unwarranted, unfounded, and pure U.S.D.A. Grade A Bullshit. Each side is rallied to the point where they "FEAR" the other side winning. So much for Unity.The only fear we should have in this country is the fear that we will once again tear the very fabric of this Nation with a culture war fueled by severe economic deflation and absolute stupidity. The Civil War pit brothers against brothers in physical bloodshed. The Culture War is pitting sons against fathers, mothers against daughters, neighbors against neighbors, in a figurative war that is causing emotional and societal rips and only increasing the scope of the polarization. I have already begun to see the seeds of it: people in traffic cussing out those with conflicting political endorsement stickers, families arguing over issues that should not be as important as a familial bond, and the use of hate speech on both sides being tossed about in serious anger. My only hope is to make enough within the next couple years so that a place like New Zealand, Switzerland, or Thailand will soon be calling my name and I can call it Home.The progression of social mood in a delfationary economic cycle is as follows: Concern. Fear. Panic. Despair.And we have not even begun to experience the Panic yet.