See you later, alligator(s).

I'm going to New Orleans. I'm sorry I've been missing posts, but the past week has been a little, well, insane, and now I am going on a short trip for my BIRTHDAY! So I'll try to get up to speed next week, and till then: See you later, suckaaaas!

A PS to yesterday's post

I realized when I took a peek at my blog today that yesterday's title "Oh No, Stephen King, Not You, Too!" made absolutely no sense in light of the subject matter of the post itself, which of course was the Kindle 2.0 from Amazon. (This is why I maintain that one should never give things titles until one is FINISHED with them, and why my book will not have a title until I have written it.)

I titled it as I did because, when I started the post, I intended to write something about how it appears that one of the greatest writers of our time (yes I do believe that, and I don't care what my hoity-toity literati friends say) has released a short story for release ONLY on the Kindle 2.0 medium, at least for the time being. I can't believe one of the smartest guys out there has fallen for the robot scheme, too. But he has, and I was dismayed, and was going to write about my disappointment, but if you read the post, you can plainly see that I became far too wrapped up in my ranting. So. Yeah, post explained! On to today's!

No, Stephen King! Not you, too!

Ok I realize that I appear a little overly paranoid about robots from time to time. Probably a lot of the time. I'm not sure how I feel about this, because in all honesty I'm not sure how seriously I take this paranoia; part of me is worried that if I continue to write about it, I will become more paranoid with each word, until someday I'm living in a dark apartment alone with my cats, with the blinds all drawn and fifteen deadbolts on the door, using only candles and moldy books to entertain myself and babbling about how the robots are out there just waiting to get me. I'll probably have a shotgun and be living on wasabi peas and beef jerky. ...but I'll have strong teeth, I guess, and that's important when fending off starving cats...

Wait, what?

Ok, anyway, so I know I sound a little batty about the robot thing, but I swear I AM trying to keep myself in line. But sometimes I feel like stopping in the middle of a busy intersection, as all the people go by me with cell phones literally attached to their heads, iPod cords dripping from their ears like white brain leakage, staring into their Blackberries and iPhones and PDA's of all sorts, and screaming, "HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?"

It's a good thing I'm meeting someone after work today and going somewhere with that person, who would be embarassed to be seen with me if I did that. Because otherwise, today might be the day. Check it: Amazon Launches the Kindle 2.

Ok, first things first: what kind of name is "the Kindle"? I've been wondering that ever since they launched the first, way-too-big, way-too-clunky, way-too-obnoxiously-dumb version. The KINDLE? That's not a word that makes one think of hip, sleek, intelligent, skinny-jeans and-gleasses wearing folk (are those the people who are selling things now? I think so?). No, it conjures up the image, at least in my mind, of small orange flames licking softly at small twigs or pieces of paper. This is not the way to go about selling something, my friends at Amazon. You guys, who so aptly named your company after a kickass mothafuckin band of warrior women who still spur on the wildest fantasies in men's and lesbians' minds (or a really deep and almost endless exotic river and its rainforest, which isn't bad either), could have done better. If you're not going to name it something that sounds super-sleek, at least go for "the Blaze," or "the Bonfire," or something that could whip up a mental picture of something exploding. People like that, too, maybe even more than the sleek, slim, hip thing.

But "the Kindle" just sounds like a few wussy little flames tottering away into smoke as you crouch by a campfire somewhere out in the woods, pretending like you're Davey Crockett in front of you unimpressed friends, who have been waiting there with their marshmallows on sticks unroasted for a while now and are starting to think you're a loser and have never been camping before, even though you have been assuring them you know what you're doing. But so far you've only managed to "kindle" a few sticks and leaves, and they keep going out. In desperation, you look around, and you find... an old book, perhaps. On the floor of your car. Something you forgot you had and so it was easy to overlook that it was missing. Something really dumb, like "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Buying a Stereo System," that you'll never look at again. You might as well just use it to "kindle" you fire, huh?

And hey, now that you're at it, since after all everyone wants to look cool in front of their friends, and as we've already explored, a big blaze is always better than a teeny little flame, who needs to chop up wood to make a fire? That takes way too long and is way too unimpressive. I mean, now that Amazon has launched the Kindle 2.0, nobody even needs books anymore. So - why not just throw your entire library into the flames? Let's "kindle" them all! Make it a blazing bonfire of knowledge and tradition! Who needs the satisfaction of a carefully tended and nurtured library that serves as a respite from the daily grind, decorates a wall of the house, shows friends what kinds of things they like to read, gives off that pleasant smell of leather and old paper, and makes a home feel like a home? As a matter of fact, who needs the very human experience of turning a page by hand, as human beings have been doing since ancient Chinese times? Who needs paper? Who needs books? Who cares if our words are passed down for posterity's sake? We can read them now, at the touch of a button, and who gives a crap if anyone remembers our name a hundred years from now, when ROBOTS will be just BEAMING IDEAS AND WORDS AND SYMBOLS directly into people's MINDS via MICROCHIPS because paper became so pase? Let's just KINDLE all the books ever written! Ban them! Burn them! Bonfires all around! Hell, when we've burned all of them we'll just simulate bonfires on television screens to make us all feel homie in the winter, and so we'll never have to go camping again? ...oh wait, they already do that, too?

...well...

Shit.

I rest my case.

I am so right!

Ok, you guys - I hope - saw my post yesterday pointing out the madness of Bill Gates, who I believe is trying to deal out doom to the masses by infecting us all with malaria as revenge for not all hopping onto his malaria-charity bandwagon the way we did on his shitty software in the 90's. You can't have everything, Mr. Gates, even though... well... you almost DO have eveyrhing, being a multi-billionaire and all. But that doesn't mean that people are all going to give as much of a crap about malaria as you do, and it CERTAINLY doesn't mean that you have the authority to do away with your biological nemesis, malaria, by infecting the world and starting anew with a select group of malaria-immune superhumans and a new kind of software program that actually works, you arrogant bastard! I'm on to you!

Any of you out there who are laughing a little and shaking your heads, thinking, "Oh, that Lynsey, she's so funny and paranoid. Bill Gates giving everyone malaria! Yeah, right!"... I've got news for you. He really IS trying to kill us all.

Take a look at this: a mysterious fungus has been wiping out entire bat populations in the northeast over the past two winters! Scientists have just now started to figure out the deadly fungus, which has caused a true bad epidemic that has killed thousands, but have yet to discover how to stop its spread or treat it. They're not sure how it got to where it is now, but it seems to be a new strain of a cold-loving fungus normally found in higher latitudes, which has somehow gotten into caves in the US.

Let's use our math skills here, peeps. Bill Gates has gone nutso and is trying to spread malaria by releasing mosquitos into crowds of people on the West coast. Bats on the East coast have been dying in droves. Bats eat mosquitos. Without enough bats to eat the mosquitos, the bug population could explode nationwide, and malaria could become a human epidemic as bad as the white nose fungus has been for bats since 2007! Bill Gates, as a multi-billionaire, has the ability to trek into any kind of territory he wants, anywhere in the world. I bet he's been to the arctic at least once, and I'll bet... mark my words people... he's responsible for transferring this white nose fungus from wherever he found it up there to the caves of the northeastern US.

I'm very serious when I say: keep your eyes on this guy. He's up to something and he probably has been from Day One. He thought he had humanity in his clutches when Microsoft became the most oft-used operating system in the world, but now that Apple is starting to finger his long-held sceptre of Supreme Computer Dominance, he's panicking. He's been on top for too long to understand the implications of his actions. He's gone Michael Jackson - he thinks he's so famous and rich that he can get away with anything.

But we're onto his game. Keep your eyes open, kiddies. We're in for a wild ride.

Bill Gates is making me re-niche

So, I niche-d myself the other day, into the area of human stupidity. But I've been thinking more about it recently, and I've noticed that I haven't really written since then, because there are two simultaneous obstacles to keeping up a steady flow of posts on that subject:

1) People are REALLY stupid, and it's kind of overwhelming to point out at all the interesting cases of such omnipresent dumbness.

2) There's a very specific kind of stupidity I'm really looking for, which is actually boiled down into a different concept than simply responding to acts of real mindlessness. What I'm really after are the kinds of dumbness that could, if people think critically (like I do. I mean, I have a blog. Obviously I'm a thinker.), cause fear and induce paranoia in the informed masses. I've realized that deep down inside, I distrust humanity because when we get together in large numbers, we do really, really idiotic things. Usually under the guidance of some megalomaniacal retard who started out with a notion of goodness, but who's morphed into a deranged mutant psychopath more obsessed with money, self-aggrandizement, and his own legacy that he fails to realize there will be no legacies if his plans are put into action and humanity dies a horrible collective death. These are the people who do stupid, stupid things like developing ever more sophisticated robotics in the face of all science fiction tells us. Or continuing to ignore the fact that sea levels will probably rise soon, and selling beach-front property like it's eternal. Or abandoning investments in renewable energy sources during the beginning of what could turn into a depression. The list goes on and on.

And in all these things, there is the bud not only of serious stupidness, but of really insidious ignorance. An unwillingness to look ahead that can cost us the future of our species. Somebody has got to stand before the onslaught of institutionalized moronic behavior and try to take the deranged beast down. Somebody has got to try to educate the masses, to remind it of its responsibility to use its brain, the best part of itself.

The blinded, blinkered, money-drunk, fame-craving, glory-mongering mental patients running this whole spectacle are out to get us, and some of them are too stupid to even know it. We've got to sniff out the doom before it's birthed, folks. That's where I come in. I'll spend my hours of "work" every day staring at this computer screen, answering the phone, and dreaming of a better world where people aren't such drooling idiots, scouring the corners of the internets to bring you bits of information so bone-chillingly weird, so twisted and bizarre, that you'll get The Fear, too. And together, dear friends, we shall become The Informed. The Strong. And the Paranoid.

So, that being said, there's not a whole lot of stretching of the imagination that one has to perform to understand the abject terror that this has inspired in me. Bill Gates, at the annual TED conference, just today unleashed a swarm of mosquitos into a crowd of people during a talk, with the words "Not only poor people should experience this." 'This' being malaria. Of course, none of the mosquitos this madman released were actually carriers of the dread disease, but he didn't tell the terrified crowd this until several minutes later. Luckily, the crowd at the TED conference is a bunch of rich, pretentious bastards who wouldn't want to look undignified screaming and running from the scene over a bunch of bugs, and probably assumed that Bill Gates is too 'civilized' to actually infect them with a deadly disease, but this act goes way beyond just 'making a statement.' This is the onset of lunacy, my friends.

Remember what I said about money-drunk megalomaniacs? Not to say that Gates is necessarily a bad guy: he and his wife Melinda, two of the richest people in the world, give out huge amounts of money to charities, scholarships, and research funds every year, and are particularly interested in ending Malaria. All very nice of them. But just because you're richer than God doesn't mean you can go around releasing possibly-deadly insects into crowds, dude.

I'm telling you guys: keep an eye on this one. He's up to something. I think he's gotten so tired of yapping people's ears off about malaria and being ignored that he's thinking about taking matters into his own hands and just giving it to everyone, so he can rule the clan of survivors (who will be malaria-resistent and thus fit for his probably robot-run world) with an iron fist full of mosquitos.

Fried brains on Blagojevich

Well everyone, it's been an eventful week. I've been out and about almost every night and furiously working during the day on niche-ing my blog, networking with other writers, and even -yesterday- registering for a class that promises to kick my ass into gear on a book project by the end of March. I had to celebrate the registration for the class, of course, because once it starts next Tuesday I'm sure I'll be working my behind off for the next few months and won't be celebrating much of anything. So celebrate I did, and inebriation followed. And this morning, accordingly, my brain is fried.

So this post won't be worth much. But I've been reading about former Illinois Governer Rod Blagojevich getting booted from office yesterday after a unanimous vote by the state Senate. The guy has been accused of rampant corruption and general sliminess, and while many people are shocked and dismayed and disappointed, and others are probably unwilling to believe he really tried to sell Obama's US Senate seat, all I can say is:

You guys honestly expected this guy NOT to be corrupt and sleazy? Really? What on earth would make you think he'd be an upstanding guy? I have three very good reasons to suspect him of being a dirtbag without even knowing the details of the case:

1) He got his start in Chicago politics. I only lived in that city for ten months and it was made abundantly clear to me that Chicago is a seriously corrupt city. It's so racially segregated I hardly have words to describe it, and police brutality against black people is so routine it doesn't even get attention from media anymore. The entire city is located squarely in Mayor Daley's pocket - the guy is now in his SIXTH term as mayor, and his dad was mayor for 21 years. Something smell a little fishy about that? You don't know the half of it. Without going into details, let me just assert that my impression of Chicago politics is that in order to climb one's way up the ladder, one must either work one's ass off and be as perfectly upstanding and clean as humanly possible (a la Barack Obama), or, if you're like most politicians out there, you're a slimeball. Blagojevich is clearly the latter. He's even admitted it, telling the New York Times that the climate in which he made it to the top in Chicago was one of "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."

2) His name is ROD. I don't think I need to explain why that's a bad thing. Just say it out loud. Now, try to imagine actually calling someone that as if it's that person's name. In your mind, does that person look like the kind of guy you can trust? Probably not. My advice is this: Never trust a dude named Rod, not with keeping a secret, not with watching your pet, and CERTAINLY not with stewardship of your state.

3) LOOK at the guy! What a TOOL! How on earth did he get elected in the first place?




Seriously.

I found a niche!

That's right, folks. I've been trying to figure out a way to focus this blog so that I can... well... sell it more effectively. I'm beginning to take my writing a lot more seriously these days, and I've realized that one way to build an audience, and a name, and a style that people might find compelling enough to read if the writing leaps from the internet onto --gasp-- the printed page, is to find a niche for my blog writing. A reason for people to bookmark the blog and come back the next day to see what zany thing I've written about... whatever it is I'm writing about.

So, I've been thinking about the topics I've written on so far, and there actually seems to be a recurring theme. People being stupid. And while one could argue that basically all news stories and human activity center around this very basic function of humankind, I have a more particular kind of stupidity in mind: stupidity on such a scale or bearing such an official banner (in the name of science, government, etc.) that it gets passed off as something else than stupidity entirely. This, my friends, is the kind of moronic thinking and resulting behavior that we must all be on our guards against, for without the foresight to look at the possible results of our dumbness, we all may be doomed.

From now on, that's what I'm here for, folks. Warning us to what we're up to. Calling fouls on hair-brained ideas. Cautioning those who would jump head-first into a burbling cauldron of stupid. Watching out for you guys. Because, after all, I'm a disgrace to the forces of evil in that I DO want you all to be ok in the end. But I can't resist laughing as it all goes down.

I also hope to occasionally provide some links and humor, and kudos to art projects and other such endeavors as I see fit. Cause man cannot live on stupidity alone. Or bread, either.

Anyway, guys, I've niched! Let's get on with it!

Paranoia is really setting in.

Ok, so I know my hysterical posts about robots are probably making me look like a conspiracy theorist wack job, and I KNOW this post isn't going to help me assert that I'm actually pretty level-headed. But I think this is important, so screw the consequences. Maybe I'll niche this blog and become a conservative anti-science, anti-technology windbag. Why not?

So here's what I'm terrified of now: Immortal Jellyfish. No, seriously. I'm not kidding.

This a very small (around 5 mm high and across) jellyfish, the Turritopsis nutricula originated in the Caribbean, but has been spread around the world accidentally by being small and tough enough to survive in ship's ballast waters when it gets sucked in, then spit back out elsewhere. And, because it is biologically immortal (we'll get to that) it is of course flourishing everywhere, resulting in headlines like "'Immortal' Jellyfish Swarming Across the World". A scientist at no less esteemed an institute than The Smithsonian has called their advancement “a worldwide silent invasion”. Yeah. And they're friggin' immortal.

How they've achieved a real, true, honest form of immortality is this: somehow over time, these teensy little buggers have evolved the ability to acutally devolve. Each individual can revert to its youthful, pre-reproductive state after hving already reached adulthood and procreated. By actually changing its cells and returning to its polyp state until it decides to mature again, the creature can actually bypass death from old age - theoretically unto infinity. Theoretically forever. Unless it gets eaten, which I'm sure happens quite frequently to tiny jellyfish, this thing can outlive - well - everything.

As far as I'm concerned, this news is bordering on nightmare-inducing. Jellyfish are strange and scary enough without immortality - they are such an alien form of life to us, what with their lack of skeletons and long, often-stinging, sometimes-deadly tentacles, and the ability of some species - the most deadly, in fact - to flourish in ocean dead zones where other species cannot live, they're already akin to some monstrous nightmare Cthulu beings. And now they've achieved an even greater likeness to Lovecraft's ancient god-creature - they just don't want to die, so they've decided not to.

What terrifies me on a deeper level, though, isn't so much the idea of the jellyfish themselves and their weirdness or their evolutionary checkmate - after all, I try to avoid swimming in ocean dead zones or near giant hordes of jellyfish, so although their abundance presents a very real oceanic problem, I can hold that at a distance from my psyche. What scares me, as usual, is what WE are going to do with the knowledge we will undoubtedly try to glean from these creatures. I'm not really scared that they're out to get us, per se. The paranoia stems from elsewhere: ourselves.

Immortality, or at least extended physical youth, has been the fodnest dream of the human being for about as long as anyone knows. The world-wide anti-aging industry was estimated at $97 BILLION last year alone. If we exhaustively study these vampire jellyfish, and we already are doing so, to discover their anti-aging, wrinkle-free secrets, no doubt we will immediately begin using them to make ourselve immortal as well, or at least as close to it as we can manage. We're already working on it, and now with the example of the Turritopsis nutricula, it seems we're well on our way.

I'm certainly not saying that the idea of immortality isn't deliriously attractive. I don't know anyone, least of all myself, who wouldn't want a shot at it if it were available to be had. To live for as long as one chooses, to have no fear, to exist with more hindsight than anyone has before you... all these ideas are seductive. Who wouldn't want that chance? But. Well. Let's be honest with ourselves, about ourselves. There are far, far too many of us already. We're sucking the planet dry of its resources, polluting the crap out of everything, destroying cultures through globalization, running out of space to share with animals, destroying rainforests and every other kind of natural habitat, killing off species, and generally fucking up everything we touch. We're spewing babies everywhere and we have no decent place to put them. Now add to the already far-too-large population a race of mutant immortals who will never die to leave a little more space for those babies. And imagine that race of freaks growing larger with every generation, piling up like driftwood along a cliff as the waves of new people push them forward with nowhere to go. That'll be us. (Meanwhile, in a forward-thinking move by the genius state of Georgia, Coweta County's board of commissioners has unanimously passed an ordinance banning all products that are produced or marketed "as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs", which will probably extend to prohibit the sale of ribbed/studded/other fun condoms. Because that's a good idea. But that's another blog.)

In my humble, Darwinian and naturalist opinion, global warming/climate change is the planet's way of killing off as many of us as possible, to reset the clock in the same way that the Black Death did in the 14th century and give us some room to breathe, because WE NEED IT if we want to survive. If we keep shooting out more children and defacing the planet, and refuse to die, we'll eventually just kill ourselves in some dumb way, probably nuclear war or simple toxicity. Lust after it as much as we may, I don't think immortality is strictly what we need right now. Not that what we need versus what we want has EVER stopped us before, but if I can win a few souls over to my side - the pro-dying one, yeah that'll be popular - then I'll consider myself successful.

Can I get a Hallelujah?

I'll admit, I was just as head-over-heels balls-to-the-wall batshit-insane in love with the idea of Obama becoming our President as the next media-drenched loser. I have bought T-shirts, canvas bags, and even baby onesies with his face on them. I tried to pump up friends and family to vote for him, and I did cry a little during his acceptance and inauguration speeches.

All along, I felt a slight twinge of hesitation to throw myself at his feet and offer myself up wholly to him, since after all he's just a man. And a politician at that. I couldn't necessarily put all my trust in him to do the right thing at all times, no matter how much I thought him capable of doing so. And I still hold to that - who knows what might happen and what he might end up doing? Nobody.

But. As of now. My GOD I love the man. He's been in office for almost a week exactly, and he's already being a total hardass about the environment. After years and years of watching my highest priority not just ignored but actually chucked out of the White House and by the Wayside by a bunch of ultraviolent, greedy hooligans, things are starting to move forward.

Check THIS out: Obama is pushing for higher fuel efficiency in all cars BY 2011, by telling the EPA to reconsider a request by California (which would then be followed by at least 13 other states, including New York) to "set its own rules on greenhouse gas emissions from cars and trucks"!

As was pointed out by the NY Times, this is significant for many reasons, but one that can't be overlooked is that while Bush specifically broke a campaign promise to regulate the amount of carbon dioxide put out by America, but Obama has begun his presidency "with a clear signal that he will not hesitate to use the regulatory levers provided by the Clean Air Act and other federal statutes to fight global warming."

"No single issue is as fundamental to our future as energy," said Obama. "The days of Washington dragging its heels are over." In what could be seen as a stark jab at the Bush administration's equivocal approach to climate science, Obama said, "My administration will not deny facts. We will be guided by them."

Hell yeah! Take that, all you lazy, oil-hungry sods who tried to pretend everything was coming up roses when it was actually burbling up DOOM. He takes this seriously, and it's about damn time. Tough love to all you car makers, and tough luck to anyone trying to deny what's actually happening to our environment and humanity as we keep sucking on the dried-up tit of the earth's oil resources. These attitudes are going to have to stop, or at least be buried under the avalanche of science.

I'm thrilled because Obama is actually following through - immediately - on his promises to restructure the ways in which Americans use and think about energy. He campaigned on a promise to push America toward energy independence and responsibility toward the environment, and only a week in, he's already advocated the use of $54 billion from his proposed stimulus package toward modernizing the electricity grid, pouring more into research on alternative energy sources, and building new jobs in new energy to replace the ones that will be lost in the bad economy. He's now pushing for fuel efficiency in cars driven in America



I am so jubilantly happy that I can't even write a decent blog post about this. So, sorry, that's all she wrote for today.

Why Is She Always On About Robots?

Ok, people, if you actually read all my long and rambling blogs, you already know that I have a problem with robots. I just don't trust them. I take science fiction quite seriously as I believe it expresses our deepest fears about the invasion of modern technology upon the ancient and deeply ingrained intuitive beliefs of the human being, and science fiction is forever telling us that robots are not to be trusted. It tells us that they will eventually destroy us, or find a way to dominate us completely, once we have gone too far and made them too advanced for us to control.

I believe this to some degree. People often think I'm joking about it when I mention it, but I really honestly don't think it's a good idea for us to keep making more advanced robots. Friends argue that all they're for is making our lives easier, and while I see the appeal of this (I mean, hell, I'm ever thankful for the devices in my own home that save me time, like my oven and my washing machine, etc), I don't think that we really NEED to have all our tasks taken from us. I mean, sure, it would give us more spare time if we no longer had to do our household chores because we could have the TurboMaid3000 do it for us, but then what would we DO with that time? Probably eat more donuts and watch more YouTube. Not exactly advancing the human race. (This really just belies my lack of confidence in the human race and its capabilities, but am I wrong? I mean... Look at emo kids. They have HEAPS of free time.)

Anyway, I digress. What I'm trying to say is this: be very, very careful people. Pay attention to your surroundings. I have reason to believe these damnable electronic cretins have already taken over. I think we may already be in The Matrix.

Seriously. I only say that with a very faint smirk on my face. If we're NOT already under the control of these metal-plated freaks, we need to be on guard because they're closing in on us.

Here's why: I finally got around to watching Wall-E the other day. Cute movie, really well done. I won't deny it. But maybe TOO well done, if you get my meaning. Of course, I went into the experience on my guard. I told myself: "Watch out, self. Remember, no matter how cute this little hunk of metal is, in reality this could never happen. He's a robot and he doesn't, and never could, have feelings. This is just Disney anthropomorphizing the next phase of Cute Thing, as is to be expected. Don't get all googly eyed over the cute robot. Keep your wits about you, or they'll bag you in the end."

Of course, I softened up by the end of the movie, at least allowing myself the luxury of enjoying the story and appreciating how well it was crafted. But the whole time I couldn't get out from under the strong suspicion that this was nothing but pro-robot propaganda! Someone out there was saying, more or less, "It's ok to trust robots because they are really cute, very sweet, good-hearted creatures that only want to help." In order to get this message across, howver, the creators of the movie had to blatantly lie to make what would really be a cold, lifeless yet animated junk heap look somewhat like a cubish frog with adorable eyeballs. They had to make it human. And it worked. Really well.

The pro-robot agenda in the movie is made almost undetectable by the appearance toward the end of the "evil robot" villain, Otto (I think?) who tries to commandeer the spaceship from the captain and keep humankind from returning to earth, but who is eventually defeated by the strength of the human drive to do What Is Right. This plot twist is a feint toward championing human beings' free will, as well as the possibility of robots turning bad.

But in the end, Wall-E and his adorable girlfriend Eva save the day along with the humans, and are made heroes for their valiant, emotionally-charged devotion to one another and to ... get this ... preserving Life Itself. The robots are the heroes. The robots, who are IN LOVE with each other, get humans back to earth to start over. All with the help of their robot friends, who will no doubt clean up the planet for them, because otherwise, well, that'd be a lot of work, and humans are much happier without having to do that, right?

The whole thing smacks of the movie's creators being enamored to the point of infatuation with the idea of robots, and utilizing a cute storyline together with a good grasp of human emotions (and how to manipulate them) to give people a warm fuzzy feeling toward robots. They're just there to help. Don't fear them. Etc etc. But, think about it: the characters are almost heart-attack-inducingly adorable. The story is so cute it's almost... perfect. Perfect, like a robot made it. Cold, calculating robots programmed to take advantage of our weakness - emotions - to influence us toward the robot cause. Or, just to numb us into being comfortable with robots as our masters before they pull the plug on our feeding pods and startle us into the reality of the Matrix!

I know this sounds paranoid, and I'm ALMOST joking. But, here's why I'm not. In case you've never seen Wall-E, the story revolves around a post-apocolayptic vision of Earth. A sweet little robot named Wall-E and his buddy the cockroach are the only moving things around. One day, another robot comes to the planet to look for life, and in the process meets Wall-E. They fall in love of course, but then the second robot, Eva, finds a plant and has to take it back to her spaceship to report that there is sustainable life on Earth. The plot thickens when she loses the plant, which is growing in a shoe full of dirt, and madness ensues as she and Wall-E try to find it and deliver it to the ship's captain.

Well, after watching this gooey robot love-fest, I was suspicious but willing to let it go and chalk my deductions up to my superior plot-smelling abilities, along with a bit of paranoia. But then, on my way home from where I'd seen the movie... for no reason at all... in the Bronx, on 151st St... on the street... I saw: A SNEAKER FULL OF DIRT. Just sitting there for me to see. In an area where there is no dirt, only concrete. For no reason.

I cannot see any other way to explain this phenomenon, other than that the robots who are running the world put it there to tell me: "Yes, you ARE in the Matrix, bitch. We own your ass. And nobody's gonna believe you. Hahaha, sucker!"